Tangled Up in You
by Icarus.falling.85
Summary: Takes place shortly after the Quon Zhang S2 Ep20. Red Knew she deserves someone better, but Tom Keen is not that man. Red would not nominate himself either, but he was a selfish man after all. Lizzie knew that Tom and Red were using her, but what where their main objectives? If she knew that, then she would know who to trust when they told her not to trust the other man.
1. Lost It All

A/N: Apology if it sucks (see Broken Hearts Parade for reason). It was a now or a few weeks posting thing. Now better then later right?

Also, Thanks to my GF (and partly me for finally joining the adult world as a PhD to earn said tickets) for this short story. She bought me tickets to see Aaron Lewis (of Staind and solo career now) and these live songs gave me ideas. Some are he just wrote this past year (so youtube is a good place to hear if you wish chapters are named after the songs that inspired them). I love his music even the country stuff now. His music is the reason I'm still alive today.

* * *

 _I lost it all_  
 _I try to make it through my pain_  
 _I lost it all_  
 _It will never be the same_  
 _And right now the only thing that left_  
 _Is sadness and the shame  
I lost it all_

* * *

"Let's go home." Red spoke so soft that Dembe almost did not hear his request. Both men watched the scene unfold before them and neither of them spoke of it.

Dembe wanted to say something, but what do you say to a man when he watches the woman he loves rush into another mans arms. When that other man was only in her life because of you, because of a stupid mistake. Most of all, when you were the reason she was in the other mans arms. Your own fear and unwillingness to tell her a truth she needed. As the cliché goes, the truth sets you free, and Dembe sincerely believed Elizabeth Keen would set Raymond free from his pain and self loathing, if he would just tell her the truth. Dembe had done his best to help his friend, by betraying his trust and sending her to the apartment was the only time Dembe had gone behind Red's back.

The pain in Red's chest, intensified. Part of it was from the bullet wound that had almost claimed his life, but most of it he was sure was due to Elizabeth Keen. Tom was not good for her, she deserved better. Better then Red, but he was a selfish man, and clearly so was Tom Keen. He had screwed up this time, not sure what he did so wrong. The truth, she wanted it, but he could not give it to her. She would never forgive him for this one, and he was not sure he could even ask for her forgiveness. He had convinced himself telling her was only to make himself feel better about what he had done, and not about giving her what she wanted.

Even his biggest screw up could not compare to what Tom Keen had done. The man had sought her out as part of a job, married her as part of a job, continued that fake marriage and almost adopted a child with her as part of a job. He put her in danger as part of that job. Now she forgave him, for all his lies, deceit and the pain he had caused her. Red had been the one to try to help her piece her life back together after the mess Tom Keen had left behind. Red had saved her when she was going to prison for what Tom Keen had done. But that was not enough. For some reason she only saw the worst in him and the best in Tom.

Who was he kidding to think she could ever truly care for him like he cared for her. She saw him as an asset and nothing more. She was overly emotional the night he had almost died at the hands of the Kings auction. She did not mean those words she said in the SUV (because no one could ever care for him, the little voice in his head said). Red was a man with the gift of gab, so he knew actions always spoke louder than words. Her actions were very clear, all she ever wanted from him was information and comfort when there was no one else. She had made her choice. It was time for him to bow out and just be there as an asset, and continue to protect her the best he could from here on out. Those feelings he felt for her, they had to be forgotten and locked away (because it was all just a stupid dream because he did not deserve anyone's love and how dare he expect it, the voice spoke again). What a sad old man he was willing to ignore everything just to be in her life.

Dembe knew where Red wanted to be taken, and he made sure to ensure that nothing and no one could follow them. The apartment, home, was Red's closest held secret. Three people knew of it's existence, Kate, himself, and Red. And now because of Dembe's choice, Elizabeth Keen knew. Red had tried to read him the riot act when he found out that Elizabeth had been to the apartment. Dembe sat calmly and listened to his irate friend who only ended up aggravating his injuries. Dembe was confident that Elizabeth would keep Red's secret safe from the FBI. She had to know what that place meant to Red just by seeing it. It was his safe haven, the one place where the Concierge of Crime took a break and became the man behind the curtain, Raymond Reddington.

* * *

"You should rest." Dembe said once he got Red inside of the small two bedroom apartment. "When was the last time you took your pain medication?" Dembe noticed how Red walked slowly and cautiously as if every movement was painful.

"Would you quit acting like a mother hen." Red snapped his hand moving up to his chest as his burst of anger caused a sharp pain to radiate. Fucking lungs, really, he could not even get angry without it hurting.

"I will get you something to drink." Dembe said sliding past Red and into the kitchen to get his friend a bottle of water.

Red made it to the couch and gently sat down. He toed his shoes off and slowly sat back resting his head on the back of the couch.

Dembe stood over him holding out the water bottle. "Drink."

Red slowly sat up and took the bottle from Dembe's hands. The cap was on too tight, and he struggled to undo it.

Dembe grabbed the bottle from Red, knowing Red would never ask for help. Undoing the cap he handed back to Red and asked, "Where is your medication?"

"In the car."

"I'll go get it." Dembe said leaving Red on the couch.

After taking a few sips of the water Red stood up and walked over to the record player. Music had been the only constant in his life. Few knew about his avid love for all things music, especially in vinyl. While some would say the sound quality was not as great as modern forms of distributing music, they would be missing the point. There was something about the scratchy sound of a record that just made the music calming and could touch the soul. Listening to a record somehow seemed to carry over the feelings the artist had as they wrote that song. Whether it be a dark place, such as Red currently found himself, or a happy place something he had not known in a long time, a record seemed to carry that emotion through better than any other form of music delivery.

It was a Dark Side of the Moon night, Red thought as he put the record on. The album was haunting if you ever actually listened to the words.

Dembe returned with the pill bottles and set them on the table. "We should change your bandages."

"I want to bath first." Red said moving towards the bathroom slowly he really was in pain, and he wanted nothing more than to take his medication and drift off to sleep. The medication would insulate him from all the pain, and not just the physical pain. It would hug him like the blankets he loved so much, and make the events of the day, the pictures of Liz in Tom's arms, disappear.

"I will make some dinner while you are showering." Dembe decided not to fight with Red over him needing to take his medication to reduce the physical pain he was in. How idiotic his friend was being by punishing himself through the physical pain. Punishing himself for reason no one but Raymond would understand.

Red slowly removed the gauze bandage slowly glaring at the healing wound. It was just another visible scar. A few years from now, it would likely be a great story to tell some woman he was trying to bed. Not Lizzie, who wanted nothing to do with him, but in a few years he hoped to have moved on to go back to being the Concierge of Crime, and not Red. Red who he became because of Lizzie, she seemed to bring the best out of the man that became the Concierge of Crime. He'd never be Raymond again, or Ray, but he was not sure he could continue to be the Concierge of Crime. Maybe in a few years he'd be Red to some other woman, probably not that would always be Lizzies. Who knows, he could be something else, maybe he'd set himself up with a new name like had so many others.

These thoughts consumed him as he bathed careful when washing his wound that was an angry red. Hopefully it was not becoming infected. Kate would be pissed if he failed to take care of the wound and let it become infected. He'd make sure to clean it with some peroxide, that will hurt, but it will hopefully fight off what is likely an infections starting.

By the time Red had changed into a pair of flannel pajama pants, Kate had bought him for his birthday, and t-shirt with a hoodie from his days at Annapolis, Dembe had already finished cooking a light meal for them both.

The two ate with the song Time filling the room with sound. Dembe was never a big fan of Pink Floyd or some of the other music Raymond listened to, but he never objected. "Raymond she will be back. She just needs space." Dembe spoke finally after the song shifted into the woman's voice.

"I'm not so sure Dembe." Red said voicing the truth to his friend because Dembe would not judge him for his cowardice. "She has Tom now." The name tasted bitter on his tongue and he knew he sounded bitter as he spoke the name.

"She is upset. It has been a rough week. But you do not remember how she was when you were shot. She will be back. It is up to you if she will stay though."

Red knew what his friend was going to say next, and he decided to let Dembe speak. He wanted to stop him because the last thing he needed was Dembe to remind him that he was the reason Liz was in Tom's arms right now.

"You have to tell her the truth Raymond. She deserves to know. The truth is no longer the most dangerous thing to her." Dembe paused to make sure Red was listening to him, "They know who she is, and they know she knows and has seen the fulcrum. She is just as big a target as you are. However, you are leaving her to fight with her hands tied behind her back because she does not know the entire story."

Red just sat back already full despite only having eaten a few bites of food. He ignored Dembe's concerned look. "No more tonight." Red said, "Please just let the subject rest for the night."

Listening to his friends plea, Dembe asked, "Did you bandage your wound?"

"Not yet." Red answered, "I need to clean it with peroxide."

"I told Kate I would check it and report to her." Dembe said, "Is it infected?"

"It's red." Raymond replied hoping Dembe would save lecture for later. It was bad enough Red knew Dembe would report it to Kate. She would lecture him again, and not hold back this time. She was still angry with him for going back to work so soon. If he had not promised to take it easy, she would likely have carried out her threat of tying him to a bed somewhere until the wound was completely healed. Somewhere far away from Elizabeth Keen who seemed to lead him to make poor decisions. Kate liked Elizabeth Keen, but she worried more about her friend who she could see the pain Elizabeth brought to him. She also saw the changes in Red, the good ones, that she also could attribute to Elizabeth. She had told him as much, while they argued about him returning to work.

"Let me see it." Dembe said moving to kneel in front of Red. He helped his friend slide the hoodie over his head, and pull his t-shirt up. Dembe agreed with Raymond's assessment that the wound was likely beginning to get infected, "Hopefully we caught it quick enough and Kate will never have to know about it."

"I can only be so lucky." Raymond said hoping luck was on his side because he was not so sure that Kate would not chain him to a bed somewhere far away. Dembe would likely help her too, if it was for Red's health and well being.

Dembe left and quickly returned to the room with the supplies necessary to clean the wound and bandage it. "You should probably take your medication before we start."

Red agreed having been in pain most of the day. He would seek out the comfort the medicine would bring. He could trust Dembe to ensure they remained safe tonight, the Concierge of Crime could take a night off in a the apartment that only four people in the entire world knew about.

Despite his big hands, Dembe was quite gentle and adapt at dealing with painful wounds. While he was gentle it was impossible to clean the wound without causing Raymond pain. The best Dembe could do was limit it. When he finished Red was rigid and panting, the only visible signs that he was in any pain.

"All done." Dembe said softly. "Did you take the antibiotics?"

"Yes." Red answered stretching his body before his muscles started to cramp.

"Do you want to stay out here or go to your room?"

"I'll stay on the couch for now."

"I will leave you alone. If you need anything just call." Dembe knew his friend wanted to be alone for now. He hated to leave Raymond in the state he was, Dembe knew for a fact that Red would have an internal battle in his head arguing with himself over his treatment of Elizabeth. But Dembe also knew there was nothing he could do to stop it, short of making Elizabeth forgive Raymond. While tempting, he did not think he had enough sway with the young FBI agent to make that happen. Instead, Dembe grabbed a blanket out of the closet and returned to his friend. "In case you get cold."

"Thank you Dembe."

"Rest Raymond." Dembe said, "You need to rest."

"I am." Red said stretching out on the couch letting the blanket sit on the back of the couch, "See. Laying down even."

"Sleep." Dembe knew the pain medication would eventually pull Red into the dream world, but until then he would torment himself arguing with himself about whatever failures real or perceived that he still blamed himself for. Dembe wished he could say or do something to bring Red comfort, to make Red see he was not as bad as he perceived himself to be. It bothered Dembe that the man who risked his life time and again for those he card about could always be painted as the villain in the story. Have these people not heard about the anti-hero. The desperately flawed good guy, who does bad things to keep those he loves most safe and unharmed from the bad things in the world. Well if there was ever an anti-hero, Red was it. The man had saved him from a hell worst than the biblical hell or anything Dante could ever have dreamed up. Yet the man who saved him, thought of himself as a villain, a monster, a creature not worth the time or love from others. Red had made it his goal in life to be that guy who is of use to everyone, but no one really cares about him. There were a few people, Dembe and Kate, who saw past that and cared deeply for him. Dembe was sure Elizabeth Keen would be one of those people, but by the change of events, Tom Keen mostly, Dembe was no longer so sure. That man would fill Elizabeth full of doubt and spin a web of tales to make her continue to only see Red as a bad guy, and an asset to be used for the greater good. Nothing more and nothing less. That would be what killed Raymond, no man or gun could kill him like Elizabeth Keen's walking out of his life could.

"I do not think I'll have a choice." Red answered with a yawn having no idea about Dembe internal dialogue or noticing that the man just stood staring at him for seconds. The day had taken more out of him than he was willing to admit. He was no longer a young man. As a young man he could get shot on Tuesday, and be back to taking on the world by Thursday. As an old man he got shot Tuesday, and four days later he was still exhausted from just a short walk from his car to the front door of a house.

As soon as the music overtook the room again, Red was back to the battle in his head. Why hadn't he told her the truth? Dembe had been correct, in that the truth was no longer the most dangerous thing to Lizzie. No, Lizzie had made the worst possible enemy to save his life. Why had she done that again? He had asked her, commanded her never to put herself in danger again to save him. She did not listen to him, she never listens to him. However, this time, instead of arguing with her, he thought he had done the right thing by letting it go. If he had fought with her again, would she have left him sooner?

It dawned on him, what would happen if she choose not to be apart of the task force anymore? Would he still work on the blacklist, the only thing that would bring answers and hopefully the eventual end of the Cabal? Or would he walk away, and retire, like he had planned to at one point. At one point, he was sure Madeline Pratt would be a good retirement or at least a break from work. His family, the memory of them, had stopped him from joining her as he had promised. It would be a disservice to his wife and daughter, who he had thought dead at the time, for him to retire and remain the Concierge of Crime. If he was honest with himself, and the voice in his head often was, he also did not think he deserved the possible chance at happiness he would have had with Madeline. So when he found out that Tom Keen was likely working with Berlin, it made his decision easy. He turned himself into the FBI to save Elizabeth Keen from one of his mistakes yet again.

Lizzie was the victim in all of this. He had physically entered her life twice, and each time he had burnt everything to the ground. If he had stayed away, had not interfered, would she and Tom have adopted a kid by now? Would they have lived happily ever after together? Would Tom have kept being Tom Keen? What would Berlin have done if Red stayed gone? There was no way to know Red's connection to Lizzie, without Red telling someone. He had made sure that Elizabeth Keen could never be traced back to Masha. But Berlin seemed to have suspected. How did Tom not know? Berlin probably kept him out of the loop on most things. It was never wise to trust a double agent. It was like marrying a man who left his family for you, in the end if he cheated once, he'd likely cheat again.

He drifted for a bit into a nothingness as the pain medication and the soft album that had started over dulled everything.

Dembe had returned to the kitchen to grab a drink, but mostly to check on Raymond. He moved quietly to make sure he would not disturb Raymond. Looking across the counter into the living room he saw Raymond's eyes were closed, and his cat sleeping curled up on Raymonds feet. Raymond had insisted on keeping the damn cat, Dembe was not a fan at first. But that cat was as loyal to Raymond as Dembe. Quietly Dembe walked into the living room where Raymond was resting, and covered him in the blanket. The cat meowed at him, when picked it up so that Raymonds feet would be covered. Placing the cat back down, Dembe petted it and took in the man sleeping on the couch. He looked exhausted, even in his sleep. Worn out, and not just the physical kind of exhaustion. No recently Raymond had begun to take on the look of a man who was emotional, physically exhausted. The type of exhaustion that comes after a long trying year, in which, nothing seemed to ever go right. Many of people would give up, curl up in a ball somewhere, and just be, but not Raymond. He always pushed through, despite the constant mental beating he took.

Raymond was not sleeping, he was somewhere between full alertness and sleep. The in-between stage, where the slightest movement would wake him. He felt the cats weight on him and wished he had moved into the bed, at least then the cat would sleep next to him on the bed and not on him. He heard Dembe moving quietly away again, wondering if the man had checked on him or simply grabbed something from the kitchen. He was checking on him, Red realized when Dembe picked the cat up and covered him with the blanket. Raymond knew he was lucky to have someone like Dembe in his life. Unlucky for Dembe, who could have been a great professor, author maybe? Or anything really at this point, had it not been for his insistence of staying with Red.

His thoughts turned back to Lizzie. How sick was it that he wanted her? Not just wanted to be in her life, but to be with her. He wanted to be her man, the person she came to when she was sad, when she was happy, her first and last thought of each day. It was sick. Anyone from the outside looking in would see that he had stalked her since a child. He tried to argue with the vice in his head, he was her guardian angel, or at least her guardian devil. His goal was to make sure she lived as happy as a life as possible, to make up for what he had taken from her. God, she was only a few years younger the Jennifer, his daughter. She was more than young enough to be his daughter, and yet he wanted her.

He reminded himself that none of it mattered now. He had screwed it up, like he always did. At one time he had a family, a wife that loved him, and did not look at him with disdain. A daughter who adored him, and did not hide from him. He lost it all. In one night, he lost everything, or so he had thought. Lizzie had become that hope. A hope he needed desperately that maybe, just maybe, he could right all the wrongs. She made him want to be a better person, and with her maybe he could be a better person. But it did not matter. She made her decision, and he had failed once again. All because of fear and cowardice.

 _Now somewhere in my darkness_  
 _There shines a little light_  
 _A chance for me to be forgiven  
But I couldn't get it right_


	2. Stuck in these shoes

_A/N: Thanks to my RL co-author screwing up syntax, I have time to edit while the program re-runs (yea for RL screwups). Thank you for all the reviews too. Glad it did not suck as much as I think it does. Finally, Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there._

* * *

 _But I'm stuck in these shoes  
And I ain't savior cause I'm not here to save you  
Cause I'm not very good at saving myself_

* * *

Tom stirring in the bed next to Liz woke her. She was no longer accustomed to having someone else in the bed anymore. She was so upset and exhausted when she came to him soaking wet. Tom held her, like the old Tom would. He eventually managed to get her to come inside and change into a pair of his sweatpants and a sweater. After another round of crying, he held her until she fell asleep in his arms. That had been on the couch, but now she was in his bed. She deduced he must have carried her to the bed. Now she was next to him in the bed and even just his leg over hers felt like he was crowding her.

Her restless mind would not let her fall back asleep. Reaching over to the makeshift nightstand, she grabs her phone to check her messages. Interesting she had only one missed called from Nicks Pizza. That was unusual for Red, when he wanted to speak with her and she ignored him, he would call her at least three or four times and then track her down. Today he called once, and left it. Why? Why did he not go into what any normal person outside looking in would have seen as creepy stalker mode. Was he having her followed again? She did not spot anyone, and she was sure if someone had been following her they'd of gotten her before she entered his apartment for the second time.

A voice in her head told her that maybe, just maybe, she should take this as a good sign. Maybe he was respecting her wishes and giving her space. But she never told him she needed space, she just yelled at him, again. The one person who never lies to her, and she yells at him for not lying. He could very well have lied about Tom, and she would have believed him. He could have lied again when he tried to explain himself and she asked if that was all, she wished she had lied clearly by her reaction. Today, he could have lied again when she pleaded with him to tell her the truth. However, he was steadfast in the truth by omission.

If she were thinking clearly, she would question her own sanity. She was trusting a habitual liar, a man who had lied to her for years, over a man who showed time and time again that he never lied to her. He may not tell her everything, and he claimed it was for her safety, but he never lied to her, even when it would have made his life easier. If she was honest with herself, and she rarely was anymore, se ran from Red not because of most of the things she yeled at him about. She ran from Red because of the way he looked and acted around her. He had told her flat out that he saw her as the light in his darkness, his savior. That statement, later when it sank in, sent her into a panic. She barely kept her life together, let alone be that person for someone else.

Sitting up she moved away from Tom needing space to breath. Why was it so hard to breath in here? Moving away she found a chair and sat down lowering her head to her hands as she tried to calm her breathing. She needed to leave now, she thought getting up a bit too quickly the world felt like it was spinning. Where the fuck where her clothes, she thought as she searched around in the semi-dark room.

Tom woke when he heard her moving around. "What's wrong Liz?"

"Where are my clothes?"

"Hanging in the bathroom to dry." Tom said stretching in the bed, "Everything ok?" He felt her move from the bed and heard her phone unlock, had something come up at work.

"Yeah. I just need to go, work." She lied to him but it was better then telling him she felt like he was sucking all the life out of her just being near her.

"Reddington?" He asked his voice full of venom.

"No. Unrelated case. Ressler and I have been working on."

"Oh." Tom said believing her because he knew Liz's tales, and he did not see any of them. He doubted she became a better lair in the past few weeks. "I'll make you some coffee for the road."

"No need." Liz said wanting to leave as fast as possible. She was already in her own wet clothes, that still clung to her body now in an uncomfortable way. "I will pick some up on my way in. Ressler could use a cup."

"Ok." Tom said, "Well if you need me you know where I am at." He paused unsure of what to do, could he hug her? Kiss her? Just let her walk out? He had not felt this unsure of himself in a long time. Finally he settled on, "I'm glad you came to me when you needed someone to talk to."

"Thanks for being here." Liz said meaning the words.

"I will continue to try to find out more information about your mom. I have a few contacts left from Berlin that might still talk to me. I will call you as soon as I find out something."

"Thanks Tom." Liz said rushing towards the door.

"It is the least I could do." Tom said. Before she walked out he stopped her again, "Liz,"

She stopped and turned around to hear him out.

"Try to stay away from Reddington. He is not a good man, and while you are too strong that he will consume you, it does not mean he won't strip away everything that matters to you. He is not here because he cares about you, there is something else he wants or needs from you. Just remember who he is, what he has done."

"I will." She wondered if Tom realized the same advice should apply to him. "I got to go." She said rushing the rest of the way out of the room and out of the building to her waiting car.

Knowing that she would not sleep again tonight or this morning, whatever it was, she drove for awhile to clear hear head. She felt like she was directionless. Like a boat without a rudder. This feeling never use to bother her. Not knowing what the future would hold, what her exact next move was, it was ok. She always figured things would happen or they would not. But right now, she was lost. Torn between two people. It was times like these she would go find Red, at whatever safe house he was staying at, and he would be her rudder. Help her see that she was not directionless. That is how she felt last night when she rushed to Tom because going to the man who took her directions and ripped them apart, did not seem like a good option.

The comfort she found in Tom did not last though. As soon as he saw things were better, that she was better, he started in on Reddington. Why did these two men think she was too stupid to figure out that they each had another motive. Red told her not to trust Tom that he was just using her, and Tom told her not to trust Red because he was just using her. They both were using her for something. The something was important to know because it would help her navigate what was motive and what was genuine caring. With Red she was not sure, but part of it was redemption. Part of it was something else, she was not sure what that something else was though. It was defiantly not the fulcrum anymore. So it had to be something else. Tom, maybe was using her to feel normal, to become normal. To get back that normalcy they had for awhile when things were good, and he was still Tom Keen the goofy school teacher. She was profiler she should know by now what they both wanted from her. But in each case, there was something else.

She found herself sitting outside of the safe house Red had been at earlier that day. So much for driving aimlessly, she thought to herself. Her car was idling and she was staring up at the house. What would Red tell her to do? He would spin some story for her about some obscure thing or one of his previous experiences, and it would hold a bit of advice. Sighing she looked at her phone, it was 2 am. Probably not a good time for a house call. Think Lizzie, she told herself out loud. What should you do?

Both men were using her. Red would tell her to think about what mattered most to each party. Red seemed to genuinely care about her wellbeing. She forgets easily how he came out of the box to save her from Anslo. That was not just the fulcrum making him do it. How he had warned her to never put her life in danger if it came down to his life or hers, that she was more valuable. He had told her she was his light in the fish story. For Red, what seemed most important was her wellbeing. This seemed to be true, even now that the fulcrum was out of play. She had seen the anger, felt the distress he had when he found out about her confronting the director and putting herself in danger again.

What was Tom's motivation? That was unanswerable question. She did not know who Tom was because he was just a fictional man. Tom Keen did not exist. Why had it been so easy for him to let her call him Tom? Was he using their shared past, that little connection left to his advantage? Tom cared about her, Red had made that clear to her. Part of his motivation was to stay with her, but what else was there. Self-preservation.

She laughed at herself. What she was doing was trying to quantify love. To measure it via actions as if it was measurable outside of measuring chemicals in the brain. Who loved her most was what she was starting to try to answer. If that was the question, the answer was easy. It came down to who would die for her without even thinking about the cost. Tom would always look after himself, ensure his preservation. Raymond Reddington would die a million times over, go through the most painful death possible, just to ensure her safety. He had proven it with his actions time and time again.

With that realization she felt a panic attack starting to build, just like after she processed the fish story. It was crushing like someone had grabbed her in a bear hug and was crushing her bones and sucking the life out of her. That is what it felt like right now, when she realized this truth. When it passed, when she got control of herself, she realized exactly how much of a jerk she had been. How horrible she was to the man who gave her the one thing she wanted most, unconditional love. All that he required was to be in her life. He was overbearing in her life, that was for sure, but when she asked, he stepped back.

When she thought about how she treated him it mortified her. He had been close to death and she did not care. She only seemed to care when he was actively dying, but now that he was on the other side she ignored him, blackmailed him, and generally was just a shit to him. He struggled through pain to explain to her that he had screwed up, to give her knowledge of Tom's motives, and most of all to just tell her why he did it. Never asking her to forgive him because he never felt he was worth forgiving. Each time she got mad at him, he just sat there while she yelled at him and treated him like crap. Never once did he ask her to forgive him. Never once did he push her back. He was a powerful man. It was clear when he could just walk into a room and fill it up with his presences. She was sure he had injured and maybe even killed people for less than she has done to him.

Putting Tom in her life was not something she could easily forgive. That was a mistake, and he owned up to it. Not telling her about her mother, or her past that was hard to accept to. That was why they were where they were now. Why could he not tell her? What was so dangerous? Who was it dangerous to? Her or him? Think like Red. Ok. Red is man motivated by unknown forces. He was not a good guy, but he was not the ultimate bad guy either. He walked the line between the two worlds, and it was a thin line to walk, ha cliché much. He saw himself as a bad guy, and he did not like that. No one would know because he hid it well. It was like a real life version of the dark batman. To all that saw him, he was a happy person who lived the life of luxury. He exuded confidence, but that was a defense mechanism. He was confident, but he used it to hide other things. Red was not always comfortable in his own skin. He did what he needed to do, but it was not always what he wanted or what he was proud of. Red did not think himself worthy of love, kindness, or anything good. Not that it was easy to tell that was show he felt, it only came clear over time after multiple attempts to classify him. However, he wanted Liz in his life. To care about him? Maybe, she had seen how he reacted when she told him she cared about him, that he had to deal with it. Was he afraid that if he told her the truth, she'd leave him? She'd no longer have a need for him. He had accused her of the very same thing when she did not want to give up the fulcrum. It pissed her off because he had been correct in his observation. Was she correct in hers?

It made sense, she had given him very little to believe that she would stick around after he told her the truth. The way she treated him was quite contrary. She ran hot and cold with him. One day, when he was doing what she wanted and helping her, she was good with him. But the minute he refused to do what she wanted or a bit of the past came out, she was cold again. Pissed off and pushing him away, trying to punish him because she knew keeping him out of her life was punishment. What had he done back then he thought so bad that she would be pissed off? Or was it simply that he thought she'd no longer have a need for him? He always made their relationship, almost all of his relationships, she corrected herself, were about him being helpful in return for something, usually people needing him. For her it was just him being there to help her, so she needed him. Since day one, when he warned her about her husband. He kept doing that, providing bits of information at critical moments to keep her on the hook, so she would see she still needed him. The pathetic thing was she played right along for most of their relationship. Only using him to get information or comfort. Never once had she asked him how he was, not that she thinks he'd answer honestly. God, after he found out his wife was alive, and daughter, all she did was sneak behind his back to question his life. To try to get answers. Now, she see's it probably would have been better to try to help him find his daughter or even find out the truth about what had happened to his family.

It was on this thought, that she got out of the car to go find Red. She needed to see him, to confront him. Not about her past, but why he would not tell her about it. Was she correct?

Knocking on the door she waited a few minutes before knocking again. She finally heard someone shuffling around inside.

The door opened with a gun pointed at her face. It was Lenoard Caul or whatever his name was.

Liz raised her hands, "I need to speak with Reddington."

"Who is with you?" The man asked hiding behind the door mostly.

"No one. I just need to speak with Reddington."

"He's not here." Leonard answered lowering his gun. He learned the hard way you could never be too careful but Reddington would not take to kindly to him holding on gun on this one. She was important to Reddington, even now that she had given up the fulcrum.

"Do you know where he is?"

"I believe he left town on business." Leonard answered. "Try calling his bodyguard."

"Ok thanks." Liz replied walking back to her car. Had that been why he called earlier because he had to leave town on business? She wondered where he was going at a time like this, when there was a huge target on his back and hers. Did he finally decide she was not worth all the risk? The missed call seemed important again. If she had answered, she would know.

She decided to return the call, it might be the wee hours of the morning but Red always took her calls. The phone range multiple times but no one ever picked up.

Dembe had woken to hear the phone ring, and when he saw it was Elizabeth Keen he decided to make an executive decision he knew would piss Raymond off. He ignored the call. Red needed his rest. The last thing he needed, especially with a likely infection brewing, was to fight with Elizabeth Keen. So Dembe ignored the call. If it is an emergency she will try again or call one of the other numbers Raymond had given her for emergencies.

He did not answer, Liz thought looking at the phone when she finally gave up. She thought about calling back, but he would just ignore it again. There was only one option left and it sure in the hell was not giving up.

* * *

 _But sometimes I still feel like I'm losing  
_ _Sometimes I still feel all alone  
_ _Sometimes I still feel I won't make it through this  
_ _On my own_


	3. Lost and lonely

A/N: Not one but two chapters on the same day. Stata (statistics program) is taking forever to find the maximum likelihood point for the mixed model so more time to read through another chapter.

* * *

 _Cause I've been careless and selfish  
_ _Got no self respect  
_ _I'm an albatross hanging around my old neck  
_ _I'm a hard one to handle  
_ _And I'm so hard to love  
_ _Cause I break all the rules_

* * *

A short while later she found herself outside of the creepy little apartment, as she had nicknamed it. It worked earlier, when she showed up there, Red had come to her even after he had tried to avoid her. This could work again, she would camp out until he decided to come talk to her.

Time to use her old skills and pick the lock. Hopefully none of the neighbors had to work early. She thought she heard music coming from the apartment, but it had to be her imagination since Red was out of town. When the lock finally gave, she opened the door and walked inside without a second thought. How many times had Red waltzed into her life uninvited?

She stopped once she was inside. Red was on the couch, asleep, covered in a blanket, with a cat curled up on his abdomen with it's paws stretched out towards Red's head. It was too surreal, to see Red in such a domestic situation. Closing the door quietly, she reengaged the lock. When she turned back around she was staring down the barrel of Dembe's gun.

"It's just me." She spoke softly as she felt her heart race. Even if she was sure Dembe would never hurt her, having a gun aimed at your head was never a comfortable situation.

Dembe lowered his gun and looked back at Red who was ignorant to anything going on around him. The pain medication had done its job clearly.

"What are you doing here?" Dembe asked his voice harsh.

"I needed to speak with Red."

"It's 3 am." Dembe said, "And you were told to never come back here."

"I know what time it is." She didn't actually know she could not believe she spent that much time thinking in her car outside of the safe house. "I need to speak to him."

"Agent Keen he is resting." Dembe said, "He needs to rest. He was critically injured five days ago."

"I know." Liz snapped, "I was there." She rubbed her scar remembering the feeling of his blood leaking through her fingers as she tried to apply pressure to the wound. The sound of him choking on his own blood, and the wheezing as he tried to draw oxygen into his only functioning lung.

"You can call him at a decent time tomorrow. If he is up to it, then you can talk." Dembe said putting hands on her for the first time as he tried to push her out the door.

"Does he usually sleep that soundly?" Liz asked.

"He was not feeling well earlier." Dembe said turning to look at his friend. Sure enough he did not look like he was feeling well. He was flush and his breathing was a bit too fast.

"Is he ok?" Liz asked noticing the concerned look on Dembe's face.

"He was told to rest longer and refused to listen to Mr Kaplan despite her threats." Dembe said moving over to Raymond's sleeping form. Gently he lowered his hand to his friends good side and gently shook him, "Raymond you need to wake up."

Red startled awake, expecting Dembe to tell him they had to go. That his apartment was compromised. Red sat up way to quick, and was rewarded by a spinning world and a hallucination of Lizzie standing in front of the kitchen entrance. The cat also hissed at him, upset by being awaken and thrown off his comfortable human bed.

"What's wrong?" Red asked his voice was rough. He did not feel too good, he felt cold and the world still was spinning a bit. Why the hell was he still hallucinating Lizze?

"I am calling Mr. Kaplan. You are running a slight fever." Dembe said moving to his room to get his phone.

Lizzie retrieved a bottle of water from the fridge and walked it over to Red who was sitting up holding his head in his hands.

"You should drink some water." She said handing him the open bottle.

Red looked up, he was shocked, she was here. "When did you get here?"

"A few minutes ago." Lizzie said her hand reaching out to his head to feel it, much like Sam had done for her when she was sick as a child. "You are hot."

Red wanted to make a joke about her statement, but he was too tired. He just smiled up at her, and it had the same effect.

"You know what I meant." She said encouraging him to drink again by thrusting the bottle at him.

Red took the water from her and took a sip.

"Mr. Kaplan will be here in a few minutes." Dembe said walking over to turn the music off. "She is upset."

"Of course she is. Remember your are supposed to help protect me, even from her."

Dembe laughed at the joke, "Sorry but you will have to fend for yourself against her."

"Traitor." Raymond joked taking another sip of the water.

Lizzie took a seat on a chair not sure with what to do with herself.

"How did you get in?" Red asked, "Dembe did you let Lizzie in."

"She picked the lock." Dembe answered, "I almost shot her."

"I asked you never to come here again." Red said pulling the blanket around himself as shivered despite the warm apartment. The cat was running between his legs meowing.

"I needed to speak with you and no one answered your phone." Lizzie said.

Red looked over at Dembe who shrugged. "So you came here and broke into my apartment again?"

"Yes." Liz said.

"Is this going to become a common theme when I do not coming running on command? Because if so, I'd rather move this place." Red sounded angry and it shocked Liz since he almost never aimed his anger towards her.

"No." Liz said but they both knew it was a lie. She would hold it over his head.

"Or did you think I would not be here, and came to snoop again? Maybe take another picture?" His voice was angrier than he meant it to be again, but he did not like the idea of losing this apartment. Of having to pack everything up and move it. Finding a place that was completely untraceable, a place where he could relax was almost impossible.

"No. I thought you would return my call when you saw me here again." She said feeling foolish for invading his space again.

"Are you going to tell you colleagues about this place?" Red asked hating how he sounded vulnerable right now. Hated that he was vulnerable in front of her.

"No." Liz answered.

"If you decide to please give me a warning." Red asked softly.

"I won't." She meant it too. It was his place, and she would respect it.

Everyone's eyes turned to the door when they heard a key enter the lock. Mr. Kaplan did not react when she walked into a room with the three occupants staring at her. "Ray I told you to rest."

"I needed to work." Red responded.

"Get to the bedroom so I can do a proper exam." She ordered. "Dembe help him."

Dembe moved over to help Red off the couch who seemed to be miffed that he needed the help.

Once Red and Dembe were out of earshot, Kaplan asked in her usually impatient voice, "What are you doing here?"

"I needed to speak with Red." Liz said feeling the full anger of Mr. Kaplan on her.

"At this hour. He needs to rest."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"If he had not been out gallivanting to help you, and keep you safe, he would not be in this position right now."

"I know it's my fault he got shot."

"No dearie, it is your fault he is sick. It's his own fault for getting shot. He knew there as an imminent threat on his life, and he chose to come see you instead of leave the country like he was supposed to. However, he would have rested had you not been stupid and put yourself in grave danger by making his enemies your enemies."

"I'm sorry." Liz said not sure what would make Mr Kaplan turn her wrath to someone else.

"Wait out here or leave. I don't care what you do Agent Keen, but do not come back to that room while I am examining him. And if you share your knowledge of this place with your colleagues, I will do my job for Raymond."

"I have no intention of sharing my knowledge of this place with the FBI." Lizzie said knowing Mr Kaplan had just threaten to kill her.

"What is she doing here?" Kaplan asked when she walked into the room.

"She said she needed to speak with me." Red said moving to take his hoodie and t-shirt off.

"How does she know about this place?"

"Dembe." Red spoke, "Asked her to come here to get the translator for the fulcrum."

"Why?" Kaplan turned her wrath to Dembe.

"I thought she needed answers that Raymond was too scared to tell her."

"Do I need to find a new apartment?" Kaplan asked everyone knowing the meaning behind the question and not informing Raymond of the threat she just made, but would happily carry out if Elizabeth Keen ruined this place for Raymond.

"No." Red said, "She told me she'd keep it secret."

"Are you sure you can trust her?" Kate asked now roughly examining Raymond's healing bullet wound.

"Yes." Red growled out in pain.

"She is your weak spot Raymond, are you sure?"

"Yes." He said confident of his answer, he could trust Lizzie. She would not betray him.

"It's infected." Kate said, "It's early. The antibiotics should fix it. We expected this."

"Then why the fever?" Dembe asked.

"He's overly exhausted and dehydrated." Kate said checking Red's heart rate by checking his pulse on his wrist. "Did you do your exercise today?"

"Traitor." Red said to Dembe knowing the man had likely told Kate Red had fought him over walking aimlessly.

"I will go check on Agent Keen." Dembe took his leave knowing that Kate would likely direct her anger at Red for the next few minutes. Dembe was just happy it was not him. The woman was scary, and he had seen many scary things in his life, but the last thing he ever wanted was to be on that woman's bad side.

"You can send her back in a few minutes if she is still around," Kate called after Dembe.

Turning her wrath to Raymond, "You gave yourself away Raymond." Kate said dropping his hand, "It is important for your recovery. If walking aimlessly bothers you, than we can get a treadmill. "

"Great walking aimlessly in place." Red stated sarcastically.

"You were the one who went and got himself shot." Kate snapped back at him, "Had you left the country when you were supposed to none of this would happen."

For the first time ever, Red lost his temper with her, "Don't you think I know that already. I put her in danger by being weak."

"Not what I was talking about dearie." Kate said trying to calm him down, surprised that Raymond had raised his voice at her.

"Sorry. " Red said immediately regretting raising his voice.

"It is fine. I know you are in pain." Kate turned and moved over to the bag she had brought with her, "So I brought you the good stuff."

"You are an angel."

"You say that to all the women." Kate said pulling out the morphine and syringe. "Do you want the medicine now or do you want to wait until after you've spoken with Elizabeth?"

"After." Red said knowing he needed his wits about him to make it through another trying conversation with Lizzie. He was sure she came here to tell him to stay out of her life forever, and at that point he would willing slip into the drug induced sleep the morphine would bring him.

"Lay down and relax while you speak to her. I meant it when I said you needed to rest. I will be here tomorrow and you better be in that bed or on the couch resting. No leaving this place until I clear you."

"What?"

"I will have Dembe help me chain you to this bed." Kate warned.

"How long?"

"If you are good only a day. Maybe two if the infection does not clear up."

"I need to be out there. They are coming after the both of us now."

"I know, and they will still be there in a day or two. Right now they are still regrouping after she dropped the fulcrum on them. They are too scared to make a move. And we have people watching them to be sure, and her."

"Fine job they did. She broke into here without the slightest warning."

"Because they did not know where she was going. I relieved them of their duty when I showed up. Telling them they were needed to watch over you at the safe house so this place remained a secret. I will have a new detail put in place to follow her when she leaves."

"What would I do without you Kate."

"I ask myself that question all the time." She smiled at him. "Now rest." She ordered helping him slide his t-shirt back on, and then get comfortable in the bed. "Now give me your arm so I can start a saline drip."

"Is that really necessary?" Red asked hating to have another IV in him.

"If you had drank more water and rested none of this would have been necessary."

Taking her point Red held out his arm for her to start the IV on. Kate was quick about it and set up the makeshift IV bag holder on his night stand. She fussed about him for a few more seconds making sure he was comfortable. Once she was sure he would be ok, she bent down and kissed his forehead.

Liz walked in on this intimate moment between Mr Kaplan and Red and was shocked by it. She knew Mr. Kaplan cared about Red, but she never expected to see this side of the cold woman.

Kate turned her attention to Lizzie, "I will be out in the living room until you two are done speaking. If I think it's too much I will escort you out of this place. He needs to rest. He is running a fever because he is overly exhausted and dehydrated."

"I understand. I did not come here to fight." Liz said.

"That's a welcome relief." Kate sarcastically stated taking her leave when Red glared at her.

"Are you sure you are ok to speak?" Liz asked her hand running over her scar she was nervous about being here. She felt like she had intruded, and she had in reality.

"What do you need Lizzie?" Red said tiredly. He was doing his best not to show the jealously that was coursing through him at the memory of her in Tom's arm.

"Why won't you tell me about my past?" She asked softly.

Red was getting ready to argue with her again over this subject. It was like a broken record.

Before he could speak, Lizzie saw his eye twitch, and him bite the inside of his cheek, he was upset, "I am not asking you to tell me. I am just asking why not. Why now, after I am already in danger, according to you. How much more danger could I be in if you told me?"

"The cabal are not the only danger." Red answered.

"Who else?" Lizzie asked.

Red did not answer, and he avoided making eye contact with her.

"Are you afraid that if you tell me that I'll cut you out of my life?" Lizzie asked, "That I'll leave you."

Red did not answer, but she got her answer from him. He tried to hide it, but the clench of his jaw and the slight shift of his body in the bed gave her the answer.

"Because if you are, you are wrong. I meant it when I said I care about you." Lizzie spoke moving closer to the bed, feeling a bit more brave. It was not just the scar she was rubbing either that brought on her courage. It was what she saw before her.

"Why do you think you are so undeserving of love?" Lizzie asked.

Red did not answer her, and now he was very uncomfortable by her invading his personal space. She had taken a seat on the bed looking at him. He was used to filling her personal space and touching her, but those were his actions and choices, his advances. She was now the one doing it and it felt wrong.

Her hand ran up his arm avoiding the IV, "Or do you think you are undeserving of my love? Because I just watched you accept Mr Kaplans."

When he continued not to answer her or look her in the eyes, she continued assuming she was getting closer to the truth, "Why do you think you don't deserve my love?"

"Do you love me Lizzie? Is that what you think this is." Red said removing his hand from her grasp and moving it back and forth in a gesture to indicate between them.

"Yes. I think I do." Lizzie answered having asked herself that very question while she waited for Kaplan to finish her examination of Red.

"You shouldn't."

"I shouldn't love you?" She asked confused by his lack of eloquence. Normally you couldn't get him to shut up and now he refused to speak to her more then a few words at a time.

"Yes." He answered upset.

"Why are you so undeserving of my love?"

"You deserve someone better. Someone who can be with you always. Someone who will wake up every morning next to you. Who can take you out to movies, for walks in the park. Someone who is not just an asset. Someone who can live an entire life just with you and not have anything hanging over them."

"Don't you think I am capable of making my own decisions on who to love and who not to. It is a little insulting that you think you know what is best for me, and make that decision for me." Seeing that he was listening to her but unwilling to speak still she added, "What if I just want you?"

"What about Tom?" Red asked his jealously coming through as he spit the mans name out.

"I do not know how I feel about Tom. I know he is not the man who he claimed to be. The man who I had fallen in love with was fictional. I forget that sometimes and I am sure he continues to act the way he does to make sure I do forget sometimes. There is a history there, but I do not want to be with Tom."

"Then why did you go to him tonight?"

"You were following me." Liz said almost angry at him. But really should she be surprised.

"You did not answer my call. I was worried. I checked the office, your hotel, and finally Toms."

"I was upset with you and I could not very well come to you." Lizzie said.

"So you went to Tom?"

"After I calmed down I realized it was a mistake. I do not know what Tom's motive is, but it's not completely pure. He is trying to drive a wedge between us. And he almost succeed." Lizzie said honestly, "But I realized after he started in about you again that there was more there."

"I warned you." Red started to speak, but Lizzie stopped him by moving her hand to his chest.

"As I was saying, I don't know what Tom's motive is, but I know what your main objective is."

"What is that Lizzie?" Red teased her with a dramatic voice.

"Your main objective has always been to keep me safe." Lizzie said, "You might have other objectives, but your main one, the one that matters the most is making sure I'm safe. That is why you hired Tom."

Red went to interrupt her and she stopped him again, "Just shut up and let me finish." She said her hand now on his face, "It is why you came into my life. It is why you surrender to Anslo Garrick. It is why you offered to leave my life if it was what I wanted. It is why you get upset each time I put myself in danger. It is why you have stayed, even after I gave you the fulcrum. It is why you are now laying in this bed ill and in pain."

Lizzie moved her hand back down to his arm gently running it up and down feeling the soft hair and skin. "I never thank you for any of it. Mostly I yell at you because you are infuriating most of the time. But I know you care."

"You finished?" Red asked wanting to speak.

"Not just yet. I have questions and simple yes or no answers will suffice. The first, do you love me too?" She went for his jugular on the first question.

He just looked at her and watched her. She was nervous again, she was rubbing her scar with her fingers on the same hand. While her other hand rested on his arm again. He looked away from her, he could be a coward and lie to her, or he could tell her the truth. The promise that he would always tell her the truth hung between them. If he tried to evade the question, she'd know the answer. Either way, she would likely know the answer, she knows the answer. She just needs to hear him say it. He turned back to her and saw the tears spilling out of her eyes, and her uncertainty hanging in the air. Maybe she did not know the answer, "Yes. I love you Lizzie. But…"

She stopped him again, "I said yes or no answers." She said a small smile reaching her face, she moved her hands to wipe her tears away, "Will you ever tell me about my past?"

"No." This question was way easier than the first one, but he saw her recoil at the answer. She had not expected him to say no. He reached out and grabbed her arm so she would not run away, "But I will be with you while you find the answers. I will be here to help guide you through the labyrinth and make sure you come out the other side alive." He paused running his own fingers over her scar, hoping it would bring him courage, "I told you that there were some questions you would have to find the answers to yourself. Your past is one of them Lizzie."

She nodded disappointed with the answer, but she had asked the question. Looking down at his fingers rubbing her scar, she decided to ask one more question, "Will you let me love you?"

Red did not answer for a few minutes, and Lizzie was not sure she'd ever get an answer. He kept eye contact this time. It was as if he was trying to search through her eyes to find the answer to the question. Finally when he spoke he said, "I don't think I'll have a choice in that matter."

"But you could make it hard."

"I never said I would make it easy." Red spoke, "I am not an easy man to love Lizzie. Many women have tried, and all eventually gave up because I am not a good guy."

"Yes you are." Lizzie said, "No you are not Captain America good. To stay with the analogy you are more like the Punisher good."

"You know I have no idea what you are talking about." Red said a small smile reaching his face.

"It's pop culture Red, you really should keep up with it."

"Sorry the circles I run around in do not care much about pop culture."

"I'm not just going to leave you." She said, "I will not give up on you. I will likely yell at you, give you the silent treatment when you do something that infuriates me, but I won't just give up. I know what my objective is now." She finally understood what she could do for Red to make up for everything he has done for her.

"What's that?" Red asked amused by her deciding she needed an objective and truly touched by her statements, even if he did not fully believe them. Everyone leaves in the end.

"One day you are going to see yourself through my eyes." She was now leaning into him, her hand over his heart, gently as to not to aggravate his wound. "You will see why you are deserving of my love and so much more. You will see the good things I and others see. And when you do, I will tell you I told you so and then kiss you. I will show you that not everyone leaves in the end. Sometimes they surprise you and they stay."

"That is quite an objective." He said his own hand moving up over hers. "I don't think it's accomplishable."

"I will achieve it because I don't like losing." She said, "I am sure I will get help from others too. As long as you let me be in your life, you will never be alone again. You will know that you are loved and deserving of it." When she finished she leaned the rest of the way in and kissed him enjoying the feel of his lips against hers. She inhaled his scent and did break the kiss until she felt him pull back.

"I love you Red."

* * *

 _So just tell me that you love me  
_ _Tell me you'll stay …  
_ _And just promise to be here  
_ _When I get back home  
_ _So we can start where we left off...  
_ _Before my demons they took control  
_ _Lost and lonely out here on the road_

* * *

 **THANKS FOR READING! Hope you enjoyed it.**


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